what to expect upon escaping from an abuser
- An immediate and stark decrease in anxiety and dread.
- Pure, unfiltered levels of relief that will feel almost holy
by comparison.
- An increased sense of stability and routine. No more
planning around spikes of anxiety and abuse. No more devoting large blocks of
time to decompression and self-care after incidents of abuse.
- Increased levels of guilt and depression. The five stages of
grief, cycling each other and skipping each other endlessly. Getting stuck on
anger, then depression, then bargaining, then back to anger, then straight to
acceptance, then starting all over again. (Reminder that it is more important
to stay in motion rather than barrel towards acceptance and stay there for good.)
- The urge to cling to the anger like a lifeline, but also struggling
with your compassion, which you still can’t (and shouldn’t) completely
jettison. (Reminder that it is all right to set your compassion aside when it
comes to abuse, when anger will keep you moving far more effectively. You can
nurture your compassion and understanding and acceptance when you have the time
and distance and safety to do so. When you are fresh and raw and still
devastated, get and stay angry. It will save your life.) (Reminder not to
confuse compassion with guilt and terror and obligation. Compassion makes you
bigger and calmer and less afraid. It does not brutalize. You are not lessened
by it.)
- A long dark period where you are very alone, when nothing
will ever be okay, where no one knows where you came from or how you grew up or
who you really are. (Reminder your abuser had no idea who you really were or
what your worth was either. Reminder that you were bigger then and you are
bigger now.)
- An urge to seek community and other accounts of abuse for
context. (Reminder to absolutely do this, but to not feel as if abuse or trauma
are a competition. Other people are not more valid than you because they “suffered
more.”)
- A sharp increase in suicidal thoughts and the urge to self-harm.
(Reminder to….. not do this.) (Reminder to seek support and treatment to help
you not do this.)
- Rehearsing arguments in your head endlessly. Drafting
letters and emails in your head endlessly. Perfect lines, perfect
encapsulations of your point of view, perfect execution of your line of
reasoning. (Reminder to NEVER EVER SEND THESE LETTERS and to NEVER EVER START
THESE ARGUMENTS. Appreciate the catharsis and empowerment of being able to come
up with your stance in the first place, with all the perspective and stability
that gives you.)
- Eventually, a good day.
- Eventually, a good day that follows a good day, which turns
into a good week. Occasionally a good week will be punctuated by a bad day.
Occasionally a good week will be followed or preceded by a terrible week. However,
the reasons for these bad days will often be mundane. Slowly but surely, your
idea of a bad day will not include being actively traumatized. The reasons for
having a bad day will often be intensely boring. You will be stunned by how
grateful you are for this.
- Increased awareness of the times you felt overwhelmingly
happy and grateful for a good day with your abuser, followed by the feeling of being
completely underwhelmed by that version of a “good day.” Realizing that most
days are, in fact, good, when they don’t involve walking a knife’s edge of
someone else’s deeply unstable moods.
- Days where you realize that you are allowed to have gotten
away.
- Days of unbridled terror that you aren’t going to be allowed
to get away, that very soon you will be collected again. (Reminder that you
were at your weakest and most under their control when you broke away at the
first place, and that you have had time to rest up and get even more difficult
to control since then. You are now, to put it mildly, terrifying.)
- Every one of these bullet points, at multiple times, in
random succession, for a very very long time.
- Until they stop.
- And you’re Out.
gamegrrl
